Driving a Vertically Challenged car

Well, I can't refer to it as anything else. It would be politically incorrect of me to refer to it as an MG Midget, despite that's what it is.

This is going to be a short blog entry for once. I've discovered I need an old car in my life, but what's on the horizon, this isn't going to be practical at all. After spending a small amount of time in an MG Midget, photographed here, I've decided I want one.

Why was I in an MG Midget? To drive it to the Cornish Festival of Speed, held at Tregrehan House in St Austell, which was a fantastic day out and well worth any person's money to be honest. Lots of fantastic cars on display, of which this little MG was one of the exhibits, and lots of entertainment watching different types of cars compete for the fastest time on the sprint hill climb. Cars from Minis and Escorts through to single seat racers and purpose-built rally and racing machinery could be found competing.

So, why do I want an old car I can't even hear you ask. It's just back to basics pure driving, there's nothing between you, the car and the road. No electronic driving aids. No computermabobs to break. And on a day like it was, with the roof down, blue skies, sun shining and the shades on, it was fantastic. Put it this way, I was glad I ended up driving the Midget rather than the Alfa Mito or Giulietta the other guys took. What's happening? I'm hankering after an MG sports car and I don't even own a flat cap, or even have a beard or drink beer with bits of twig in it. I still want one. Despite the fact that something broke on the journey back. The bearings in the dynamo packed up. This is a British sports car after all, and something falling off or breaking on every journey really is normal.

And yes, I have realised this is yet another rant-free blog entry. I've just had nothing worth ranting about as late. I promise normal service shall resume shortly.

Long Term Test - Fiat Stilo 1.4 Active

Most car magazines tend to do long term tests on selected cars to show how reliable (or unreliable) they may be. But in these tests, cars tend to be kept for 6-12 months and then that's it. So I've decided that the Stilo qualifies for one of these long term test jobbies seems I've owned it for just over five years and 50,000 miles.  If you're a normal person, stop reading now. No, seriously. However, if you are a complete nerd like me, pray continue.

First, an introduction to the Stilo. A car launched to replace the old Brava and Bravo (and ironically replaced by the ...er.... Bravo) in 3 and 5 door form. Whereas the 5 door version is as appealing as sawing your arm off, the 3 door is a fantastic looking car and that would be my car in the picture. A little time later, the versatile and smart Multiwagon estate version was launched.

So, just over five years ago I decided to purchase a 3 door 1.4 Active. An ex-demonstrator that had covered 180 miles over 12 months. A saving of £4,500 on list price was certainly order of the day. It did raise a few eyebrows, as the Stilo had a horrendous reliability record when first launched. It really did seem like as good an idea as Ben Collins wanting to reveal himself as the Stig, the big, greedy unknown arse bucket. However, my car is a Phase 2 Stilo which means it had a whole host of improvements to make it "better".

So, first of all, how does it drive? It's average, to be honest. The electronic steering has as much life as a corpse and as much communication as a monk who has taken a vow of silence. The handling is a bit Golf-like. However on the plus side, the ride is outstanding and the interior comfort is as good if not better than anything in its class. The engine, if underpowered in a car this size at just under 100bhp, is a gem and wants to be revved and is coupled to a six speed manual gearbox which is positive and slick in action. Which is just as well as it does need to be used a fair amount. Interior space is good, with ample room for five Mafia types and enough storage spaces and cubby holes that would shame Ikea.

As it's poverty spec Active it is bottom of the range so it comes with some seats and an engine. It does have a few extra bits though such as alloy wheels, remote locking, electric windows, electric heated mirrors, trip computer, decent sound system with MP3, six airbags. Did I mention seats? And an engine?

So, we've established it's a fairly run of the mill drive, but an excellent looker and it has some seats, but what has it been like for reliability? To be fair, pretty bloody good after 50,000 miles. As far as spending money on it goes, I've had it MOT'd (it's been through three and passed every one, and I didn't even have to bribe or sack the tester!), serviced it, replaced wear and tear items such as cam belt, brake pads and the exhaust, as well as tyres, petrol and insurance. It's never broken down, never left me stranded, never failed to start. I can't exactly mock the legendary Italian build quality either as nothing has ever fallen off and it's pretty rattle free also.

In the six years, the blips which can be put down to the car include:
- One or two spurious warning lights coming on early on in its life. But it is a Stilo.
- Replacement wiper linkage at 2 years old due to noise (replaced under warranty)
- Speedo stopped working
- 1 of 4 coil packs failed after 5 years and 46,000 miles. The other three are originals. If you drove a petrol engined Renault, you'd be replacing these coil packs every 6-12 months.

However, it has had more replaced than it need to due to an accident in which Her Indoors hit a patch of diesel and span it 360 in the middle of the road, smashing into curbs before eventually mounting a boulder (oooh errr). Three damaged alloy wheels (two of which snapped clean) meant it had to have a new set of wheels and tyres, bent rear axle, stub axles, front wishbones, wheel bearings all round and a general sprucing up of the bodywork. All of which meant the insurance company had a bill just short of £3,000. That's hardly the fault of the car, though.

The Stilo does have an iffy image problem, due to Fiat wanting to make a Golf clone, the early reliability issues, the styling of the five door model and the slightly average dynamics. But is the image it has deserved? Judging by our experiences with the Stilo, not a bit of it. Yes, the dynamics could be sharpened up a bit, but it's still better to drive than the equivalent Golf, Renault or Vauxhall for example. It's also proved to be a generally fault-free car, and considering the treatment the car has had from myself and She Who Must Be Obeyed, I personally think it's stood up and made a case for itself pretty well.

See, if you bought one now, even an early one, most if not all of the bugs would have been ironed out, and because of the image these cars had, the depreciation was that steep that you can pick one up for less than a grand. Would I have another one? Yes, but as they make the Bravo now (which shares the Stilo's underpinnings) I'll have one of those. Would I recommend one? A resounding yes. It's a used car bargain.

Road Test Number 2 - The complete Alfa Mito Range

The Alfa Romeo Mito. It's pronounced Me Toe, don't you know. The name is conjured up between two place names - the Mi for Milan (used to be Alfa's HQ) and To for Torino (where it's built). Since its launch around 18 months ago, I've driven just about all different variations of Mito, some are good, two are excellent and two are aboslutely terrible and would never advise ever driving.

So, what is the Mito? Well, obviously, it's a car. And it's built by Alfa Romeo, only it's not. The Mito is actually built by Fiat in Turin alongside the Grande Punto / Punto Evo as essentially it is the same car. Peel away the fancy bodywork and it's all Fiat. The chassis, engines, the lot.

So, what's available? In the current range there's 4 choices of petrol engine, all 1.4 - two of which are normally aspirated with 77bhp or 95bhp. The other two are the Fiat Group's new MultiAir efforts which develop 135bhp or 170bhp in Cloverleaf guise. There's also 2 diesels - a 1.3 and a 1.6.

I'm not really going to go into trim levels because I'm not interested in that, I want to know what it drives like. Is it any good? Where am I? And why am I asking questions all the time? Do you know?

It's a fine little car to drive really if you steer clear of the 78 Junior which is about as Alfa-like as a Ford Orion. I'd also steer clear of the 1.6 diesel because as a package, it fails spectacularly. The economy can be match by its petrol counterparts, it's a lot dearer, it isn't as good as the 1.3 diesel, it's noisy, unrefined and the gearchange is apalling.

All models save for Junior have Alfa's DNA (geddit?) system which offers three different styles of driving. D is for Dynamic, N for Normal and A for All Weather. When Dynamic is activated, assistance to the steering is reduced, torque is increased and the throttle response is much crisper and sweeter (In the Cloverleaf, it D mode also changes the suspension settings as it has an adaptive suspension setup). That said it needs to be because driving in Normal afterwards is dreadful. All Weather is pointless in the UK as the one week we have snow we're all locked away at home in a complete panic because the world is about to end. So, just keep it in D to get the best out of the little Alfa.

Throughout the Mito range including the hot Cloverleaf version the main problem is the ride and the steering. The steering has quite an artificial feel about it and feels over-assisted in Normal mode. It's better in Dynamic mode but there's a lot of fidget and a lot of over-correction is needed. The ride is something you need to get used to. If you want to end up with your spine in kit form, the Mito is the car for you. If you choose ride comfort over anything else, choose the Punto.

Once you get used to the steering, the chassis is very good. It corners flat, turns in well and is coupled to a selection of slick, nicely shifting 5 and 6 speed manual gearboxes (except for the 1600 diesel). All the petrol engines are eager little things. Of all I've driven, I take a preference to the lowly normally aspirated 1.4 as it's such an eager, rev-happy unit and, although not very quick or powerful (95bhp), it's entertaining to drive it to within an inch of its life. The rest are turbo charged and when Mito was first introduced, 120 and 155 bhp turbo petrols were available, both absolute peaches. However, these have both been replaced by the new range of Multiair engines, rated at 135bhp and 170bhp in the range topping Cloverleaf. Which is my other favourite engine in the range. I really can't be bothered to go into all the technical speak of the Multiair engine but in the 170 at least, it's smooth, responsive and almost free of turbo lag.

The interior is well laid out and seems solidly built and a good driving position is easily found. Bluetooth connectivity comes on top end models and an MP3 compatible stereo comes on all models. Air con is standard throughout the range as are electric windows and mirrors.

However, if I am nitpicking with the car, I'm still not quite used to the frontal styling. It also annoys me that the speedometer view is partially blocked by the steering wheel. Rear seat space is so much at a premium that really all you can fit there are guitar plectrums. And the boot has a high sill. However the way it drives, the engines and the way the side and back end look, it's a hit.

It will just be interesting to see what reliability and durability will be like.

So, what's on the old score board Miss Ford?

Styling: 15/20
Performance: 18/20
Handling 15/20
Ride: 9/20
Comfort: 13/20

So, the Alfa scores 70 out of 100. Better than the subject of my first written road test, the VW Beetle. True, the Mito has some shortcomings and flaws - it's steering is numb, the ride is hard, the 1.6 Diesel is rubbish, the front end styling is, in politeness, polarised, and the DNA is a gimmick. But it has other talents which are hard to ignore. It's also cheaper than a Fiesta.

Why do only fools and horses work

Many moons ago, OK then, two months ago when I started this whole blog nonsense thing I said I may describe where I work and who I work for and after much thought I couldn't really decide on what to write. Because for the simple fact of the matter is no one would ever believe it unless you worked for them, even if just for one day.

First of all, let me introduce you to the staff at the branch I currently work at. There's me, G-Cup - the useless service manager. We'll call the owner Ronnie Kray. His son, Big D (so called because he looks like a capital D in profile) works there between 9.00 am and 9.02 am. Ronnie's other son Gene Wilder (or Arnold J. Rimmer, depending on the hair cut) runs the other branch, and Osama Bin Laden's twin brother manages aftersales at the other branch.

In our showroom we have Lofty the sales man, Murray Walker, the dealer principle who has apparently raced or rallied everything there is to race or rally. On the spanners we have Gareth the DET and resident Freddie Mercury lookalike champion 1986, 1987, 1988, 1993, 1994 and 2005. We also have Welsh Bastard, so called because he's, um Welsh, and according to Big D, a bastard. Then we have Betty Mary Jodie Murder She Wrote, the shit head apprentice who is a little bit simple. And he's training to become a vicar. No he's not, that's made up.

Not at all interestingly enough, I started at the other branch literally some years ago. I was employed by Bin Laden's twin brother. Except he doesn't wear a turban. And he's not from that neck of the woods. He lives in a cave somewhere near Four Lanes. Anyway, apart from Big D telling an American who came into the petrol pump station at one of our sister sites that "You still haven't fucking caught Bin Laden yet have you? He works for Fiat" after the 9/11 incidents, not much interesting happened.

Fast forward literally some more years, I get posted out to the new purpose built showroom for Alfa Romeo. Big D is now working (and I say working in the loosest possible sense) at this site. Wonderful. So was a pretty useless trainee sales "representative". He was (and still is by all accounts) ginger. And a tosser. For arguments sake, we will call him Ginger Tosser. Now, he was 17 years of age, had been absolutely everywhere, done everything, abseiled down the Twin Towers when they were being flown into etc... - you get the point. Big D and Ginger Tosser never really got along particularly well. This fact was galvanised when Big D was seen chasing Ginger Tosser around the dealer forecourt with an Air Rifle exclaiming "I'm going to kill you, you fucking ginger bastard". That was interesting scenario number 1.

Most of the other scenarios involve Big D, but let us get Ginger Tosser out of the way. Here was a young man (so we were told) with a questionable fashion sense and was extremely economical with the truth. He was also economical with any form of common sense. Including reversing a car (equipped with parking sensors) into another car. Supposedly he couldn't hear the parking sensors. Or crashing his car into a hedge driving in a supposed straight line going uphill. Then deciding he's going to quit his job as he can't take orders from me or the general manager, realising he's buggered up and goes pleading to Gene Wilder at our other branch for, yes you guessed it, a job. Then he leaves that and works for a rival manufacturer's dealership....for three weeks before he was fired. That month that particular dealership suffered it's worst ever customer service feedback in its illustrious 80 year trading lifespan. More recently he decided to "try" and "work" for our Fiat site once again and this lasted all the way up to when he thought it would be a good idea to steal the bosses daughter's mobile phone. Which just goes to show how stupid he really was/is.

Anyhow, the scenarios involving Big D are much more amusing, especially in hindsight. I would try to give you a little background information on Big D, but I cannot find the words. You need to see him to believe him. Let's just say he has mental problems. The next scenario below is interesting as he was arrested, which was a problem as Big D is on a suspended sentence. This was for driving at two homosexual men who were "at it" in their car in a layby near Truro whilst shouting some obscenities about gay men having sex. Quite what Big D was doing in the same layby is neither here nor there. It went to Court with Junior representing himself, and all was going swimmingly until he said he'd do it again. Nil point.

Ginger Tosser, once again, was involved in this scenario. He contacted the Police as Big D went to "hit" him. Police arrived on site whereby it took 4 people to arrest Big D, which he promptly rugby tackled one of the coppers and would not let go of his legs once gripped. So he gets carted off to Camborne nick for the rest of the day, then Ginger Tosser decides to drop the charges as they were as limp as an impotent man who hasn't taken his Viagra.

Two weeks later, the police arrived again. Now, bearing in mind, because of Big D's so-called problems he looks like he is grabbing hold of his meat and two veg, but it's the way he stands. But on this occasion, the police were called because an elderly lady had reported a man carrying a bucket and conducting a lewd act in public. In short, there was a man wanking into a bucket on the forecourt. So, the police arrived, and Camborne nick must have wondered what lucky (or unlucky) sod they could dispatch this time. After interviews, it transpires, Big D was carrying a bucket and walking as he normally does. 

I also think these fragments are worth an honourable mention:
- Driving an Austin Metro off the pier in Penzance for the sheer hell of it.
- Driving a VW Beetle into the river to "see if it would float".
- There is a wood and string bridge down near Penzance that you'd think twice of walking on. To drive a Yugo 45 on there and park and partake in afternoon tea is something else.

Of course, there would also be the weekly round of golf, which would include myself, Lofty, Welsh Bastard and Big D himself. What would normally happen is Big D would be on course for winning, Lofty would be on par for coming second and myself and Welsh Bastard would be clubbing for last. The thing is though, Lofty's game improved throughout the season, as did Welsh Bastard's. I would consistently finish last, which meant Big D was in limbo somewhere. Only he wasn't. I was beating Big D, which wound him up more and more. Whilst he was getting more and more teasy, we were falling about the place watching Big D turn into an amplified Basil Fawlty.

But come here, there's more. Like mentioned before Big D's father, Ronnie Kray, owns the business and the next scenario involves him. This really could only happen in Cornwall, especially at our dealership. Picture this, Jaguar XK140. Beautiful old classic car from the 1950s, we had one for sale and sold it to a gentleman who wanted to do a part exchange. Nothing unusual there, until you realise what the part exchanges were. A sit-on lawn mower and a knackered old tractor. Steptoe and Son have nothing on us.

Far more amusing was Ronnie's drunken heckling at the launch of the Alfa Romeo MiTo at Twickenham rugby ground. Annabel Croft, the television presenter and former tennis player, was the host of the evening and she seemed a very pleasant person. Ronnie knew nothing of what she did, so bluntly asked "Who are you? What do you do? Nice legs dear", in a kind of Albert Steptoe dirty old man sort of way.

Whilst the rest of us got carted away to have a tour of the rugby grounds and changing rooms etc at Twickenham, Ronnie stayed behind swiping multiple free glasses of champagnes and trying to chat up whatever waitress was available at the time. He also spent the night trying to woo the very pretty blonde ladies supplied as hostesses for the evening by Alfa Romeo. Anyway, meal time had arrived which was this Nouvelle Cuisine nonsense which looked beautifully presented but had all the taste and hunger fighting properties of tracing paper. Then the guest speakers came out to, well, speak. The managing director of Alfa Romeo came out with all his random bullshit that MDs are programmed to do, with the back chat of Ronnie sounding pretty much like "Fuck off, you're talking shit, you don't know what you're on about". Some other Alfa representatives came on, again to the sounds of "Fuck off" and "Get fucking real". Then a guest speaker none other than the snivelling twat (my words) Seb Coe came on, not to talk about the new Alfa or anything like that, but to stick his hand out for money for the 2012 Olympic games. He was greeted by quite a lot of hostility from our table, most notably Ronnie who chanted "You're not getting any of our money you overpaid prick. Pay for it yourself". Obviously with a skinful on board it was time to go as the bus was waiting for us. The bus was, but no sign of the driver for about 20 minutes. Ronnie declared he would drive it back to the hotel but after taking five minutes to get out of his seat only to topple back down into it, he didn't bother.

The thing is, the bus journey very nearly didn't happen for Ronnie. Alfa had offered to pay for a taxi for Ronnie, not to the hotel but back to St. Ives. You really would have to see it to believe it to work here. This job of mine was going to be a stop gap for 6 months. 9 years later I'm still there. Hey ho.