Technologic

It doesn't help sometimes that my wife keeps telling me I'm ancient before my time. True, I am what can only be classed as a grumpy old man. But at 28 I'm really starting to believe her. Mainly because I really do not know how to use my portable telecommunication relaying device (that's a mobile phone to the youth of today) properly. That, and I've started saying certain phrases that members of my staff have said that I've subsequently used to impersonate and mock them. The favourite is "Back in the day". But worryingly I have actually started saying it seriously which makes me sound about 60. But then Jayne would argue the fact that my hair is rapidly going grey that I look it too.

Anyway, back in the d... oh shit, there we go already. But back in the day I thought myself as quite learned toward technological things and was considered by many to be a geek. I could build a computer, wire up a HiFi system quite nicely and program a VCR (how old does that sound?) to do everything include blow up the Pentagon. I even did bits and pieces of web design and computer programming. Hell, I even use to create multi-track recorded songs on the computer using loops, keyboards and this that and the other.

But give me my current portable telecommunications relaying device and I'm stuck. Only a 6 year old could program the events timer on my DVD recorder. And these days I'm lucky if I can just turn on a computer to do such trivial items as check Facebook and write this silly little blog thing. At work there are many programs I have to use, which I have been using in one form or another for getting on close to ten years. It still doesn't mean I'm any good at using them. Only today, my wife and our friend were engrossed in an amusing conversation over the differences of many different varieties of Microsoft Office programs and how they've changed over the years. Seriously, my tiny little brain is retarded enough without having to cope with that. I mean, I've not progressed past Office 1997. The one I used whilst still at school. Sorry, for the young and uneducated, that is skool.

However I've now joined Twitter, which I admit I'm fairly late in getting into. But when I get into something I get into it in a big way so I'll no doubt be tweeting whenever I can. This does mean I'm buggered as being a male I'm unable to multitask. I will now have to juggle Facebook, blog, Twitter and Media Player at once. Well Media Player if I'm not listening to vinyl or CD or other such mediums that young people would refer to as "old skool". Although that particular way of spelling it winds me up. People who spell it like that seriously need to go back to school to realise the correct spelling of the word.

Which neatly brings me onto my equal love-hate relationship with MP3s. I like them for convenience and laziness as it means I can have whatever song that's in my vast collection at the touch of a button whilst typing this inane drivel. It also makes it easier to have more music because with the vast amount of CDs, tapes, records et al that I own, I've run out of room to store them. But the minus side to me is I like to see the artwork of an album and what went into the making of it. It just seems a shame now that an artist can pour heart and soul into a piece of work, go through the motions of having the artwork designed, booklets etc, only for it to become a file on a computer that's pretty meaningless. It just seems a bit cold. I also dislike MP3s for their inferior sound quality as my computer's sound card outputty type thing is connected to my slightly vintage stereo separates system, which new would have been the cost of 10 iPods. It shows up all the flaws.

But back to phones. It goes to show as a friend phoned me (on the aforementioned device) to ask for advice on which new mobile was best on the market. I think it was something like an eye phone, a Black berry (which I assumed was actually some fruit) and something that was made up of initials, something like HTSCSFGHJVFHGFFG. Or it could have been PIACTWIR (which stands for Paul Is A Complete Tool Who Is Rubbish). Because I was a geek in a previous life, my advice was called upon. However the best answer I could give her was "Er..... what are you talking about?" to which her reply was priceless - "You're rubbish".

So, mobile phones are not my forte, and I prefer to play vinyl rather than MP3. I prefer to play the bass guitar than my XBox 360 and they are located inches apart. In a lot of cases I'd rather read than watch television. Don't get me wrong, I do genuinely love technology and I love what it can do and I'm not totally allergic to it. Anything to make my life easier is fine by me as I'm a lazy sod at times. But my main pet peeve is when technology doesn't change something for the better and/or over complicates things. It's a total disaster zone as far as I'm concerned.

A microwave oven for instance is a good example. There are some posh microwave ovens, which technically is a contradiction in terms. All those different settings for essentially doing one thing: heating stuff. All I want to do is set the temperature, the time and switch it on. Nothing more, that is all it needs to do in life. Essentially that is all I want my mobile phone to do. Not heat food, obviously, because that would be stupid. Then again, there probably is a setting for it to do so somewhere that I've not found yet. No, I want to be able to use it as a phone and to send text messages primarily. The other add on bits are nice, but not at the cost of being able to make phone calls and send text messages (mk phn cls n snd txt msgs to you young people reading). Or maybe I should get a simpler phone and look much less of a retard than I already appear.

I used to keep up with technology back in the d... Oh bollocks, I've done it again. But it's moving so fast I've been left so far in the shade I can feel the beginnings of hypothermia.