Part 2 of my fantasy garage of cars that no one likes

Fiat Coupe 2.0 20v Turbo.

Launched in 1993, initially with Lancia Intergrale engines, later updated to sweet five cylinder 2.0 engines. 220bhp through the front wheels meant lots of torque steer, but when the turbo kicked in it would go all the way to 158mph. Why do I want one? It's the fastest I've ever driven a car, 150mph on a private road of course, and I love the styling - by Chris Bangle before he went all twattish at BMW. It was a hoot to drive too.

 Fiat-Abarth Strada 130TC

Everyone else in the 80's made their hot hatches with fuel injection. Not Fiat - two big burbling carbs and it was so focused on being a drivers car that you couldn't tilt the front seats forward to get passengers in the back. And it fell apart quickly and would never start. Perfect.

Fiat 131 Mirafiori Abarth


In fact, I'd even settle for one of the normal 131 Mirafioris, but the Abarth as pictured here went on to be a particularly successful rally car. It took the baton from the Lancia Stratos as the Fiat Group's secret weapon in rallying. I had a Matchbox toy in the Alitalia colour scheme (google it) and wanted a real one ever since. Sad but true.
 

Alfa Romeo GTV
 
I could wax lyrical about these. In fact I'm going to. I mean, just look at it. It's a delight. I'd have one purely for the way it looks. It drives wonderfully, it handles well, and either engine is a peach. When they're working. The V6 is pretty strong if maintained and is the best sounding V6 in the business. The Twin Spark is a gem of an engine but neglect it and it will self destruct very, very quickly. That's if the electrics have allowed it to get going in the first place. Ultimately owning a GTV is like being with the most beautiful woman in the world and finding she's brilliant at everything - cooking, washing, sex, the whole nine yards, but then finding she had a nasty habit of stabbing you in the head every night. But you still would...

Rover SD1

A badly-built British car with a front end ripped off the Ferrari Daytona? Yes please. Especially with the fantastic 3.5 litre V8 lump under the bonnet. Never actually driven or been in one, I've just always wanted an SD1 3500.

Ford Capri 280 Brooklands

Again, featured in The Professionals and driven by Bodie (played by Lewis Collins). Well, to be pedantic, the 3.0 V6 was featured in The Professionals. I would really like one of the last of the line 280 Brooklands - has the best engine, and looks absolutely brilliant.

Mini Clubman

No, not the monstrosity just launched by BMW, but the original Clubman. The supposed ugly Mini and unfairly called Mini Clubfoot. But I actually like these. I'm not bothered by all these Mini Cooper derivatives, just give me a basic Mini with a basic engine and it'll still be fun to drive.

Land Rover Series 3

Well, any beaten up Land Rover really. For pure simplicity really. An old tatty one will do quite nicely, so I can do what it's intended for, just like in the picture. For that purpose alone there's no point at all getting a decent one.

That's it for part two. These first two parts feature cars really that are not out of the reach most people. In fact most of them can be had for as little as few hundred quid. There will be a third and final volume of this to bore you to tears. This will feature my top 10 favourite motors from any age and any price bracket which need a place in this fantasy garage thing.

Part One of my Fantasy Garage of cars no one likes

Every man that likes cars has a fantasy garage, or at least makes a list of what they would like to own should the opportunity (and money) present itself. True to form, I created a Facebook photo album depicting what I would like to have in my fantasy garage and predictably most of them are Italian. It's crammed full of Ferraris such as the 365 GTB/4, commonly known as the Daytona, the Dino 246 GT, the 599 GTO, F40 and a brace of Alfa Romeos, Lancias and a couple of Fiats and Abarths.

I've made it no secret that I like cars no one else likes. Or what other people would class as crap cars. So, this is part 1 of my guilty pleasure fantasy garage. No specific reasons as to why they are in here except that I like them.

So what car are we going to have lining up first?

The humble Fiat Panda 4x4. Why?

It was cheap, and certainly felt cheap, but was an endearing little car. A capable off-roader, this mountain goat of a car got where most couldn't.

The Citroen Visa.

Not a brilliant all round car in the same way that say, a Peugeot 205 was. But I liked these because they were quirky, fun to drive and in the pre-1984 models the interiors were typically bonkers Citroen before they went all serious and boring.

Citroen GS / GSA

What we have here is a proper Citroen. Hydropnematic suspension and flawed in its extreme. Underpowered, slow, bonkers inside and nothing is where it's supposed to be. Satellite units to operate most important controls. Operate the horn and the heater came on, the indicators were operated by a switch under the seat somewhere and the wipers were operated by mind control. But the car came out in 1972 and looked like nothing else. I'd have one of these because I love the styling so much. And the suspension. And the mental interior.

Citroen AX GT

I've owned two basic 1.0 AXs and can tell you the pluses and minuses for owning them. The minuses far outweigh the pluses. For instance, it seems to be made out of recylced Milk Tray boxes, and if you crashed into a leaf it would write the damn thing off. But because they were so light and so chuckable, that made it excellent fun to drive. Even the 1.0 engines punched far above their weight, but the little 1360 GT was a true pocket rocket. Later AX's were boring, my choice is the Mk 1, with a few bonkers Citroen things like single spoke steering wheel and a dashboard made from tracing paper.

Peugeot 104

Or to be exact the 104 Z, which was a three door, short wheel based version. Provided basis for Talbot Samba and Citroen LNA (predecessor to the AX). Basically, another overlooked small French car that was a bit of a laugh. Not the prettiest car in the world but I like them all the same. Hang on, I'm noticing a pattern here. Small French cars seem to be recurring....

Renault 11

And another French car. Bit of a wolf in sheep's clothing this. My mates parents had one many moons ago, a 1700 GTX and I swear that car was the fastest thing on four wheels. I doubt a Veyron could have caught it. It also looked a whole lot better than the car on which it was based - the Renault 9. A car so boring you lost the will to live before you got to the back. But with quad headlights and a glass wraparound tailgate, quite a stylish car for the early 80s.
 

Fiat Uno

Ah, something Italian, back to normality then. My first car was a Fiat Uno and my dad had one when I was a kid. Launched in 1983, it still remains in production in India and Brazil. It was a cracking, if somewhat fragile, little motor. Lively performance, brilliant interior space and best in Mark 1 form where it had a Citroenesque interior with satellite pods for lights and wiper controls. It was also a bit Citroenesque when it was wet as a push start was sometimes required.

Alfa Romeo Alfasud Sprint

I'd love an ordinary cooking 'Sud, but there's something about the shape of the Sprint coupe version. Neat, uncluttered shape by Giugaro, neat handling and a sweet, free-revving flat four engine.

But the main reason I want one? My first ever toy car was a Alfasud Sprint. And now I want a real one.

Lancia Beta HPE

Only the Italians would attempt to make an estate car (HPE means High Performance Estate) where you can't fit much in it. Still, it looked more like a coupe. Of course, being Italian and from the 70's it earned a reputation for being rusty, and the Beta saloon was the car that pretty much killed Lancia in the UK

Talbot Sunbeam Lotus

Take a Hillman Avenger, wrap the oily bits in a neat hatchback body. Bring to the boil with some with the Lotus tuned handling and simmer with the Lotus 2.1 slant four 16 valve engine. Garnished with rear wheel drive and you have a capable rally car and a brute of a road car.


Ford Escort RS2000

The Professionals is one of my favourite TV shows and the character Ray Doyle (played by Martin Shaw) drove a white RS2000, drifting and handbrake turning it everywhere. I wanted one because of that. Then I saw some of these taking part in motor sport events and wanted one even more. Looks ace with the so-called droopsnout front.

Ford Fiesta Mark 1 XR2

Has to be the Mark 1. It wasn't very fast and wasn't as good as the Mark 2, but this one looked the business with the circular headlights, the spotlights and the pepperpot alloys. The Mark 2 just looked shite.


Stay tuned for part two if you are nerdy enough like me. Though if you got this far you must be.

Technologic

It doesn't help sometimes that my wife keeps telling me I'm ancient before my time. True, I am what can only be classed as a grumpy old man. But at 28 I'm really starting to believe her. Mainly because I really do not know how to use my portable telecommunication relaying device (that's a mobile phone to the youth of today) properly. That, and I've started saying certain phrases that members of my staff have said that I've subsequently used to impersonate and mock them. The favourite is "Back in the day". But worryingly I have actually started saying it seriously which makes me sound about 60. But then Jayne would argue the fact that my hair is rapidly going grey that I look it too.

Anyway, back in the d... oh shit, there we go already. But back in the day I thought myself as quite learned toward technological things and was considered by many to be a geek. I could build a computer, wire up a HiFi system quite nicely and program a VCR (how old does that sound?) to do everything include blow up the Pentagon. I even did bits and pieces of web design and computer programming. Hell, I even use to create multi-track recorded songs on the computer using loops, keyboards and this that and the other.

But give me my current portable telecommunications relaying device and I'm stuck. Only a 6 year old could program the events timer on my DVD recorder. And these days I'm lucky if I can just turn on a computer to do such trivial items as check Facebook and write this silly little blog thing. At work there are many programs I have to use, which I have been using in one form or another for getting on close to ten years. It still doesn't mean I'm any good at using them. Only today, my wife and our friend were engrossed in an amusing conversation over the differences of many different varieties of Microsoft Office programs and how they've changed over the years. Seriously, my tiny little brain is retarded enough without having to cope with that. I mean, I've not progressed past Office 1997. The one I used whilst still at school. Sorry, for the young and uneducated, that is skool.

However I've now joined Twitter, which I admit I'm fairly late in getting into. But when I get into something I get into it in a big way so I'll no doubt be tweeting whenever I can. This does mean I'm buggered as being a male I'm unable to multitask. I will now have to juggle Facebook, blog, Twitter and Media Player at once. Well Media Player if I'm not listening to vinyl or CD or other such mediums that young people would refer to as "old skool". Although that particular way of spelling it winds me up. People who spell it like that seriously need to go back to school to realise the correct spelling of the word.

Which neatly brings me onto my equal love-hate relationship with MP3s. I like them for convenience and laziness as it means I can have whatever song that's in my vast collection at the touch of a button whilst typing this inane drivel. It also makes it easier to have more music because with the vast amount of CDs, tapes, records et al that I own, I've run out of room to store them. But the minus side to me is I like to see the artwork of an album and what went into the making of it. It just seems a shame now that an artist can pour heart and soul into a piece of work, go through the motions of having the artwork designed, booklets etc, only for it to become a file on a computer that's pretty meaningless. It just seems a bit cold. I also dislike MP3s for their inferior sound quality as my computer's sound card outputty type thing is connected to my slightly vintage stereo separates system, which new would have been the cost of 10 iPods. It shows up all the flaws.

But back to phones. It goes to show as a friend phoned me (on the aforementioned device) to ask for advice on which new mobile was best on the market. I think it was something like an eye phone, a Black berry (which I assumed was actually some fruit) and something that was made up of initials, something like HTSCSFGHJVFHGFFG. Or it could have been PIACTWIR (which stands for Paul Is A Complete Tool Who Is Rubbish). Because I was a geek in a previous life, my advice was called upon. However the best answer I could give her was "Er..... what are you talking about?" to which her reply was priceless - "You're rubbish".

So, mobile phones are not my forte, and I prefer to play vinyl rather than MP3. I prefer to play the bass guitar than my XBox 360 and they are located inches apart. In a lot of cases I'd rather read than watch television. Don't get me wrong, I do genuinely love technology and I love what it can do and I'm not totally allergic to it. Anything to make my life easier is fine by me as I'm a lazy sod at times. But my main pet peeve is when technology doesn't change something for the better and/or over complicates things. It's a total disaster zone as far as I'm concerned.

A microwave oven for instance is a good example. There are some posh microwave ovens, which technically is a contradiction in terms. All those different settings for essentially doing one thing: heating stuff. All I want to do is set the temperature, the time and switch it on. Nothing more, that is all it needs to do in life. Essentially that is all I want my mobile phone to do. Not heat food, obviously, because that would be stupid. Then again, there probably is a setting for it to do so somewhere that I've not found yet. No, I want to be able to use it as a phone and to send text messages primarily. The other add on bits are nice, but not at the cost of being able to make phone calls and send text messages (mk phn cls n snd txt msgs to you young people reading). Or maybe I should get a simpler phone and look much less of a retard than I already appear.

I used to keep up with technology back in the d... Oh bollocks, I've done it again. But it's moving so fast I've been left so far in the shade I can feel the beginnings of hypothermia.

Wake me up before he off roads

Poor old George Michael, poor little soul, has had a hard time of late. Not only being arrested for some lewd acts and cruising and what not, but now he has finally been arrested and will be sent to jail. 

Not that it's taken long, he's been had three times now for driving whilst under the influence of drug use. Stoned to you or me. That's three times more than you or I would ever get away with and that's what pisses me off. If we did it, we'd be put behind bars and banned from driving for 602 years. That is because we're not famous. Unlike Georgie Boy who is famous for, other than his music, many dealings with the law. And he has the uncanny knack of getting away with it every time. Well, until now that is.

He's going to jail. But don't get too excited, he's going to jail for eight weeks. Only eight weeks, for his third offence, third lot of recklessness and danger to other people, not to mention the writing off two perfectly good cars.  He was also ordered to pay a £1250 fine, £100 costs and a £15 victim surcharge. Now if you are not familiar with a victim surcharge, it's basically a £15 levy added to any court costs and goes to the victim. So, the corner shop that George Michael drove into has been destroyed, but be rest assured the owner will receive the princely sum of £15. Yay, let's all get stoned to celebrate. And drive into someone Else's shop so they can get £15 to help their flourishing business.

According to the highly polished, accurate and informative news service MSN.co.uk (sorry, that should say the greatest work of fiction since Shakespeare) Gorge Michael has been banned from driving for five years, but that will no doubt be reduced to three minutes. He was also "in tears after being sentenced" and was also reported as stating "I can't believe this has happened to me!". Oh really, so you expect to drive whilst stoned and destroy someone's shop and livelihood, and not expect anything to happen about it? You're a bigger arse than I first thought.

You're getting off (didn't he do that before?) lightly dear boy, with your fortune you can afford those expenses and to pay £15 to Apu and his Kwik-E-Mart with consumate ease. Just think, the eight weeks will be over before you know it. It could be a lot worse. Now stop whining, crying and throwing a tantrum just because you've done something wrong and have to face the consequences. Get your giant egotistical head out of your arse and get on with it. 

I'll end this with a picture from one of my favourite websites Sniff Petrol. I need not say anymore. Except, sorry Sniffpetrol for plagiarising your caption for my title. Well, I'm not sorry, but I kind of needed to sound sincere. Worked, as you can see.