Imagine my delight when I click on to the news on my Interweb and see that Bono, the humanised Toyota Prius, had been rushed into hospital. For some emergency surgery. Oh yes. Jackpot!
However it really is quite disappointing that it's only a back injury. Now, I know back injuries are no fun as I suffer with back problems. But in this case I can, and will, make exceptions simply because it is Bonio. But some German neuro surgeons called Hans Free and Herr Cut have gradually pieced (or should that be world peace-d) Boner back together so he can sing another day. More's the pity. Which means if he can sing, he can talk. And preach. And make us feel like nauseated wrecks. Yay us. But, alas, the surgeons were typically German (efficient) and Bonehead has been sent home to recuperate.
I did think, however, when I initially saw the news headline that perhaps Bones had pulled a muscle in his Ego. My reasoning behind that is his Ego, voracious as it is, is the most used part of Bonecollector, and as such may have required attention. Or indeed transplanting. But then again, no human Ego is likely to fit this species as A) not large enough, and B) human egos are generally non-transferable to AITs (Arrogant Irish Twat). Or perhaps he had to have those sunglasses surgically removed, or just maybe the bit of his brain that tells us how to live and who to give our money to and preaching on about climate change and carbon footprint bollocks had failed.
I'm sorry but I cannot take anything that "Save the planet give, make poverty history, but give us all your money to do it" sycophant has to say. First of all, to me, a lot of this whole climate change and carbon footprint stuff is money-spinning nonsense. I'm not going to go into too much depth on the whole global warming thing as there are better qualified people in which to do so. It is happening and humans are contributing towards it, but not on the scale politicians and Bonio would have you believe. And whatever we do now is too late to do anything about it anyway, so just get on with living. Recycling your mayonnaise jar at the end of the month isn't the be all and end of it. Nor is buying a U2 record or buying a Toyota Prius.
So Bonoappetite, I have some questions for you. How are you going to make poverty and debt history? We're in a fucking recession you thick bastard. And when all is said and done, how the fuck do you intend to get us to reduce the carbon footprint? You know, whilst you are jetting it around the world in private aircraft and staging world tours with trucks, vans, limos and all sorts of other transport to get your equipment from venue to venue? And then, the huge amounts of energy it takes to power The Edge's echo and FX pedals and consoles for his guitar to disguise how much of a limited and not-very-good-at-all guitarist he really is, let alone of your concerts. And if you dare mention any of the following words - Toyota, Prius, Hybrid - I will fucking kill you. Because Hybrids are not the answer, as the carbon footprint to make one of these tree-hugging, so called planet-saving pieces of polished turd is far greater than a normal car.
Would you like me to explain? No? Tough, I'm going to. You see, the Prius, being a hybrid, is powered by both an internal combustion engine and also batteries. The batteries are the problem as they are nickel metal hydride. The nickel, is mined in Ontario in the good old US of A. This is smelted nearby, which naturally harms the environment. The smelted nickel is then shipped to Wales to be refined and then on to China to be made into nickel foam. And only then does it go on to Japan to be made into a battery then transported to the factory to be installed in the cars. Which uses a good old amount of fossil fuels in the transportation to get the materials from point A to point B. A firm in America rates cars on the combined energy needed to "plan, build, sell, drive and dispose of a vehicle from initial concept to eventual scrappage". Check these statistics out, a Prius costs $2.87 per lifetime mile, whereas a Hummer H3 costs $2.07. Now I'm not suggesting you go out and buy a Hummer (except if you want to run over Bono in it) because they are as useful as trying to piss into a colander and you'd be stupid for doing so. But just think of it logically. Any vehicle that has a battery that either part or fully powers it is not a long term solution. You need fossil fuels to create batteries, you need fossil fuels to recharge the batteries when they are flat. Or in the case of a hybrid, the internal combustion engine charges the battery, which uses unleaded petrol. Which is a non-renewable energy source, i.e fossil fuels. So, you may as well buy a run of the mill car like a Fiesta, Focus or Punto which don't go through the same rigmarole in the manufacturing process like the Prius does and therefore can technically be classed as greener cars. In some cases they can also provide much better fuel economy than a Prius. Or take the latest line of Bluemotion Volkswagen diesel cars, for example. Not only are they road tax exempt, they produce far less C02 than a Prius and return up to 88mpg. It's a no-brainer. The argument for buying a Prius is becoming more and more woolly by the second.
So, what is the tenuous link between Bonio and the Prius? Quite simple really, the key word is hypocrisy. By buying a Prius, you are doing nothing more than advertising the fact that you are saving the planet by not actually doing anything about it. Pretty much in the same way that Bono is telling us to save the planet, but will not give up the lifestyle he is accustomed to, or give up the touring. Or stop The Edge playing guitar. And whilst the soap box is out (it's very rarely away), will you stop fucking telling us to all give to charity and wipe out world debt and poverty? Don't organise a benefit gig which means Joe Public spends out, do what McCartney did for the 2004 Tsunami victims and the saving of Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts and put your hand in your own pocket. God alone (yes, that non-existent entity) knows they're deep enough. With the amount Bonehead earns and what he gets in royalty cheques could pay for all of the starving people in Africa. As well as sheltering Britain's homeless. As for me, I have no intention of doing either, as the charities of my choice are a lot closer to home and go under the names of Mortgage, South West Water and British Gas, to name the three highest recipients at this point in time.
So, to sum up this latest platter of inane drivel, don't buy a Toyota Bono. Unless you want to look like the American Celebrity Guilt Set who must do something about saving the planet without it being an inconvenience to yourself. Buy a Volkswagen. There, I've said it, buy German and save the planet that way. But not for me, I can hear the sound of a V8 muscle car that does 3 mpg, or the sound of that V12 Ferrari - just to tempting to worry about the planet at this point in time.
I'll end on the words of Michael Barnes "Make poverty quieter, make Bono history".
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