If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.

Let's get to the nitty gritty. I hate caravans. I hate them on a cellular level. I hate every fibre of their construction. But I hate the title of this blog even more, as it's a supposed witticism that every Volvo owner had made into a bumper sticker with the premise that it was funny. No. It. Isn't. But back to caravanning. I could never understand why anyone would ever want to go on a caravanning holiday when there are perfectly acceptable hotels of all types. But what I hate more than anything about them is when they are on the roads, taking up valuable space that my Italian 1.4 buzzbox could be taking up instead.

Now, when I drive I like to remain to as much a consistent speed as I can, this way it means I can save fuel and keep off the brakes. However, living in Cornwall like I do, the place is a magnet for the bloody things, what did I see more of travelling back from Salisbury? No, you're wrong. Not fleets of Ford Mustangs with Kate Beckinsale draped over the bonnet, alas. But caravan upon caravan upon caravan. And unfortunately, lovely a place as Salisbury is, the roads to and from are diabolical and consistency goes out the window. Single lane to a brief section of dual carriageway only to be cut short to a single lane again. And then when you bypass Devon completely (for obvious reasons) and get to Cornwall it's the same again, single lane, dual, single, make your bastard mind up what you want to do! But caravans are not the worse thing on the road. I mean yes the sea of hearing aid beige boxes attached to the back of Kia Sorentos, Volvo estates and Hyundai We-cant-even-think-of-a-name-for-this-car-cos-it's-so-boring-s is just mind numbing.

But for me there are a few more contenders. For example, lorries that insist on overtaking the lorry in the inside lane, especially those that pull out in front of drivers causing them to pretty much manoeuvre the car as if it were a World War 2 bomber aircraft to avoid a collision. But has no one told these assholes that driving a lorry at 59mph where the lorry said asshole is overtaking is only doing 58mph does not achieve results other that getting every other motorist on that particular stretch of road severely fucking pissed off?

The next on my hit list is those that tailgate me because they want to reach their destination 0.3 of a second quicker. Here's a tip for you - leave 0.3 of a second quicker you jackass, otherwise next time my Fiat Stilo that you are tailgating may decide to lock up its brakes, make you shunt in to the back of me, therefore rendering your attempt to beat the world speed record of being a totally useless numpty useless. And it'll totally be your fault in the eyes of the insurance company and I'll either get a new car or the scuffs on my rear bumper will be sorted. And you'll be late for where you were going because you were a twat who couldn't drive less than 2mm away from my car and therefore crashed.

So onwards and next on my hitlist is the M42. Well, when I say M42, I mean the average speed check cameras on the M42. They do my bloody head in. I've got no problem if it were the same speed, say. An average of 70mph which, in any case, is the speed limit on motorways. And driving at an average, consistent 70mph is no problem to a driver of any merit. Lowering the speed limit because of roadworks is no problem. And neither is it a problem when the weather is that bad it would be stupid to drive at anything beyond 21 mph. So, why on the M42 at half past bloody midnight do they change the average speed from 70 to 60 to 40 to 60 to 50 to 70 in the space of one mile? And at that time of night? With no road works or other hazards? And with so little traffic you can see the tumbleweed drift in front of your car?

Which, being speed related moves nicely onto those who have no concept of what speed they should be driving. Yes, you've seen them. They drive at 45mph through a national speed limit of 60. Yet they still drive at 45 through a 40 or 30 limit. Just because they are being slow through the faster speed limit does not mean they are any good. For crying out loud, get it together. You'll normally find them in some of the following cars: Metro, Rover 200 series, Nissan Micra, Nissan Sunny, make that anything older than 10 years old, Japanese and wearing tweed. So please, if you see any of those cars on the road, avoid them at all costs. If you don't, your sanity will dissipate to as far extremes as possible.

I'll end this on a Jeremy Clarkson quote. "Speed doesn't kill. Suddenly coming to a halt does".