Man to get Asbo for brushing teeth too loudly

Well, actually that hasn't happened yet, but no doubt before long it will.

We wonder why the country is in the economical state that it is in. Perhaps this news headline will go someway to explaining it. "Woman faces trial over noisy sex" on the highly informative and accurate news source MSN. A neighbour complained that a nameless woman called Caroline had been having "loud sex romps" with equally nameless husband Steve.

First off, this neighbour had complained that this noisy wife (a natural thing for a woman, anyway, not just in sex), was far too noisy to which she was issued a Anti Social Behaviour Order. An ASBO that bans her from having noisy sex. In her own home. So, what springs to mind here with Victor Meldrew living next door to Caroline and Steve is probably firstly, Victor isn't getting any. Secondly, they're married and still having "loud sex romps". It's a bonus surely that they're married and STILL having sex, and Steve must sure as hell be doing something right for Caroline to be "overly noisy"! Thirdly, Women are noisy - end of, and the better for it. Who wants quietness? And why should a woman suppress her natural urges to express herself in the bedroom? Or indeed for that matter, why should a bloke? Lastly, Vicky Mildew needs to stop putting his glass and ear against the wall - he may hear less. And if you're that bothered by the noise, do what most neighbours do and turn up the TV.

However, because Caroline could not partake in "quiet sex romps" (damn these pesky "quotation" "marks"), she is now going to face trial at Newcastle Crown Court. Which to me is the biggest waste of taxpayers money I can possibly think of. Not to mention petty and just downright pathetic that it has been allowed to get to trial in the first place. Even an ASBO is pushing it. In the whole scheme of things, it's a bit silly really.

Now I know my neighbours for instance are the noisiest bunch of bastards I can think of, especially the children, forever shouting the deliciously chavvy names of "Bailey" and "Chelsea" at the topper most of their voices. Should they have ASBOS? No. Should they face trial? No. Should the cretin that decrees it acceptable to operate his car horn at 7AM every bloody morning have an ASBO? Or face trial? No, because, even though it's fucking annoying, it's still quieter than the birds that chirp incessantly outside my bedroom window.

So by that token with Caroline going to court, perhaps the birds should also. And at the same time, perhaps I should also be given an ASBO for "playing" bass guitar badly, and playing Beatles, Queen, Iron Maiden, Lightning Seeds and Volbeat records at really high volumes over the weekend.

This news headline comes on the same day that I read another news piece. Spa, an 80 year old race circuit in Belgium, which was around before most of the surrounding housing areas has been declared too noisy by the EU. Or rather when they have classic vintage racers around, the penpushers have been out with the noise meters declaring which vehicles can and cannot race due to "noise pollution". Things such as vintage Ferraris, Porsches and Jaguars cannot race because they are "too noisy"?????

Stop the world, I want to get off.