Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Man to get Asbo for brushing teeth too loudly

Well, actually that hasn't happened yet, but no doubt before long it will.

We wonder why the country is in the economical state that it is in. Perhaps this news headline will go someway to explaining it. "Woman faces trial over noisy sex" on the highly informative and accurate news source MSN. A neighbour complained that a nameless woman called Caroline had been having "loud sex romps" with equally nameless husband Steve.

First off, this neighbour had complained that this noisy wife (a natural thing for a woman, anyway, not just in sex), was far too noisy to which she was issued a Anti Social Behaviour Order. An ASBO that bans her from having noisy sex. In her own home. So, what springs to mind here with Victor Meldrew living next door to Caroline and Steve is probably firstly, Victor isn't getting any. Secondly, they're married and still having "loud sex romps". It's a bonus surely that they're married and STILL having sex, and Steve must sure as hell be doing something right for Caroline to be "overly noisy"! Thirdly, Women are noisy - end of, and the better for it. Who wants quietness? And why should a woman suppress her natural urges to express herself in the bedroom? Or indeed for that matter, why should a bloke? Lastly, Vicky Mildew needs to stop putting his glass and ear against the wall - he may hear less. And if you're that bothered by the noise, do what most neighbours do and turn up the TV.

However, because Caroline could not partake in "quiet sex romps" (damn these pesky "quotation" "marks"), she is now going to face trial at Newcastle Crown Court. Which to me is the biggest waste of taxpayers money I can possibly think of. Not to mention petty and just downright pathetic that it has been allowed to get to trial in the first place. Even an ASBO is pushing it. In the whole scheme of things, it's a bit silly really.

Now I know my neighbours for instance are the noisiest bunch of bastards I can think of, especially the children, forever shouting the deliciously chavvy names of "Bailey" and "Chelsea" at the topper most of their voices. Should they have ASBOS? No. Should they face trial? No. Should the cretin that decrees it acceptable to operate his car horn at 7AM every bloody morning have an ASBO? Or face trial? No, because, even though it's fucking annoying, it's still quieter than the birds that chirp incessantly outside my bedroom window.

So by that token with Caroline going to court, perhaps the birds should also. And at the same time, perhaps I should also be given an ASBO for "playing" bass guitar badly, and playing Beatles, Queen, Iron Maiden, Lightning Seeds and Volbeat records at really high volumes over the weekend.

This news headline comes on the same day that I read another news piece. Spa, an 80 year old race circuit in Belgium, which was around before most of the surrounding housing areas has been declared too noisy by the EU. Or rather when they have classic vintage racers around, the penpushers have been out with the noise meters declaring which vehicles can and cannot race due to "noise pollution". Things such as vintage Ferraris, Porsches and Jaguars cannot race because they are "too noisy"?????

Stop the world, I want to get off.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Guns don't kill people, wipers do.

Oh dear. Here we go again with something that is going to kill you now. Anyone who drives a car is going to be killed, because there is new scientific "proof" (and I use the term proof as loosely as the French screw their cars together) that water from your windscreen wipers is going to kill you. No, you're not going to drown from it, but the stagnant warm water from your windscreen wipers is likely to give you a rare but deadly disease. Some wonderfully overpaid, bespectacled "research scientist" in a white coat has "performed" some "research" to come up with the "conclusion" that if you drive a car, and especially if you are a "professional driver", you are five times more likely to succumb to Legionnaires' Disease. And in "no way" am I overusing "quotation" "marks". "At". "All". OK, moment has passed.

The build up of bacteria in the stagnant water is that dangerous it will kill you. A questionnaire has been sent to motorists to find out their driving habits, with certain sex, age groups and area codes targeted. But only in England and Wales. So do we assume Scotland are immune due to the climate? Are the Irish just immune full stop? Is it because the Irish put (insert stereotype here) Guinness in the screen washer bottle of their cars?

What do they think we are going to do? Sip some freshly squeezed wiper water with lunch?

There is a glimmer of hope in this most darkest of dark things that is incredibly dark. You can, of course use screen wash additive. Not washing up liquid obviously, because that is abrasive, wrecks the paintwork and clogs the screen washer bottle, pump and hoses. No, the proper screen washer additive. You can buy it in Tesco, Halfrauds and such. Isn't it. Standard. Only you can't use it. Because there is more "proof" (here we go again) that the vapours from said screen washer additive is linked to cancer. And that would, like, be well bad and shit. You'd be, like, due some compensation and shit like that. Standard.

So you can't use the screen washers in your car because you'll die. So the solution? Let your screen get dirty, crash and die. Wash your car and let the car shampoo give you skin cancer. And die. Or go to a drive through car wash, wreck the paintwork on your car, let the car wash catch fire, collapse on you and your car. And die. Or get someone else to do it, stand back and watch, get run over by a bus. And die. Have a ham sandwich and leave the car well alone. Oh, of course though, the processed ham will give you cancer. And you'll die. And whatever you do, don't switch on the light because..... yeah, you know the rest.

Every week there is something else, something new to link us to what is likely to be our untimely demises. If the research is concrete then maybe it would be palatable. Threads of evidence here and there is no use to man nor beast and new findings that contradict old findings are nothing short of dangerous, let alone frustrating. But there are all sorts of ways and things that will kill us over time. For example, scientists haven't proven that slowly scooping your brain out through your nose with a spoon is going to kill you. But we all know it would. So would living on a diet on pencil sharpeners. And jumping in front of a bus is pretty permanent, and no kind of  "research" will find a "solution" to that one. Except maybe banning buses. Which seems the previous government, at least, were pretty keen banning everything up to and maybe including breathing, that wouldn't have been such a far fetched idea. The idea of stationary shops banning pencil sharpeners because some insufferable oaf ate one seems amusing too.

Oooooh, hang on, thought of one way to clean your windscreen. Urinate on it. Job's a goodun.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.

Let's get to the nitty gritty. I hate caravans. I hate them on a cellular level. I hate every fibre of their construction. But I hate the title of this blog even more, as it's a supposed witticism that every Volvo owner had made into a bumper sticker with the premise that it was funny. No. It. Isn't. But back to caravanning. I could never understand why anyone would ever want to go on a caravanning holiday when there are perfectly acceptable hotels of all types. But what I hate more than anything about them is when they are on the roads, taking up valuable space that my Italian 1.4 buzzbox could be taking up instead.

Now, when I drive I like to remain to as much a consistent speed as I can, this way it means I can save fuel and keep off the brakes. However, living in Cornwall like I do, the place is a magnet for the bloody things, what did I see more of travelling back from Salisbury? No, you're wrong. Not fleets of Ford Mustangs with Kate Beckinsale draped over the bonnet, alas. But caravan upon caravan upon caravan. And unfortunately, lovely a place as Salisbury is, the roads to and from are diabolical and consistency goes out the window. Single lane to a brief section of dual carriageway only to be cut short to a single lane again. And then when you bypass Devon completely (for obvious reasons) and get to Cornwall it's the same again, single lane, dual, single, make your bastard mind up what you want to do! But caravans are not the worse thing on the road. I mean yes the sea of hearing aid beige boxes attached to the back of Kia Sorentos, Volvo estates and Hyundai We-cant-even-think-of-a-name-for-this-car-cos-it's-so-boring-s is just mind numbing.

But for me there are a few more contenders. For example, lorries that insist on overtaking the lorry in the inside lane, especially those that pull out in front of drivers causing them to pretty much manoeuvre the car as if it were a World War 2 bomber aircraft to avoid a collision. But has no one told these assholes that driving a lorry at 59mph where the lorry said asshole is overtaking is only doing 58mph does not achieve results other that getting every other motorist on that particular stretch of road severely fucking pissed off?

The next on my hit list is those that tailgate me because they want to reach their destination 0.3 of a second quicker. Here's a tip for you - leave 0.3 of a second quicker you jackass, otherwise next time my Fiat Stilo that you are tailgating may decide to lock up its brakes, make you shunt in to the back of me, therefore rendering your attempt to beat the world speed record of being a totally useless numpty useless. And it'll totally be your fault in the eyes of the insurance company and I'll either get a new car or the scuffs on my rear bumper will be sorted. And you'll be late for where you were going because you were a twat who couldn't drive less than 2mm away from my car and therefore crashed.

So onwards and next on my hitlist is the M42. Well, when I say M42, I mean the average speed check cameras on the M42. They do my bloody head in. I've got no problem if it were the same speed, say. An average of 70mph which, in any case, is the speed limit on motorways. And driving at an average, consistent 70mph is no problem to a driver of any merit. Lowering the speed limit because of roadworks is no problem. And neither is it a problem when the weather is that bad it would be stupid to drive at anything beyond 21 mph. So, why on the M42 at half past bloody midnight do they change the average speed from 70 to 60 to 40 to 60 to 50 to 70 in the space of one mile? And at that time of night? With no road works or other hazards? And with so little traffic you can see the tumbleweed drift in front of your car?

Which, being speed related moves nicely onto those who have no concept of what speed they should be driving. Yes, you've seen them. They drive at 45mph through a national speed limit of 60. Yet they still drive at 45 through a 40 or 30 limit. Just because they are being slow through the faster speed limit does not mean they are any good. For crying out loud, get it together. You'll normally find them in some of the following cars: Metro, Rover 200 series, Nissan Micra, Nissan Sunny, make that anything older than 10 years old, Japanese and wearing tweed. So please, if you see any of those cars on the road, avoid them at all costs. If you don't, your sanity will dissipate to as far extremes as possible.

I'll end this on a Jeremy Clarkson quote. "Speed doesn't kill. Suddenly coming to a halt does".