Sunday, 18 July 2010

Room 101

Having recently watched a very amusing episode of Room 101 with guest Dara O' Briain, I thought it would be an idea to do my very own Room 101. Which got me thinking what do I hate? What things do I hate more than others? And which can I give a more reasoned argument for throwing the damn things into Room 101?

My biggest bugbear is reality television, which ironically, doesn't have a lot of reality in it, nor is it worth putting on television. The main culprit being Big Brother, which thankfully now is coming to an end, but that kick started the whole "genre" if you like. I do not want to sit in a room watching people sitting in a room. Nor do I want to see them doing stupid tasks, nor do I want to see Z-list "celebrities" trying to make a comeback because they've not got any talent to do it off their own back, or politicians rolling around pretending they're a fucking animal. We have Sky News to report that. And with that you can take back your Simon Cowells and Davina McCalls. Give them some place to go, like, ooooh, I don't know, Room 101. My own choice but I'd put the Z Factor and Britain's Not Got Talent or whatever it's called in there as well.

Carrying on from the Television theme would be Music Television. Some of the music they play is, fair enough, pretty good, some of it pretty average and some shockingly bad. MTV started out as Music Television - that's what it stood for. Now all MTV seem to show is some nasty little documentaries about spoilt little brattish 15 year old American (and now, Dear God, British) kids wanting this, that and the other for their 16th birthday. Get over yourselves and accept the wrist watch and DVD that you don't even deserve. And then there's more "documentaries" about spoilt, brattish, supposedly grown-up American adults. Which are worse than the 15 year olds! I would love to banish all these programmes to 101. But also the channels themselves. My music collection itself I think is pretty eclectic with such findings as Beethoven, Debussy, The Beatles, Iron Maiden, Gustav Holst, Lady GaGa, The Offspring, The Prodigy, The Lightning Seeds, Crowded House, ELO, Sophie Ellis Bextor, AC/DC, Queen, Goldfrapp, Black Sabbath, Volbeat, Cat Stevens, Fleet Foxes, Beach Boys, I could go on. But I listen to all of it. I'm quite happy to see what videos are out at the moment. But I don't need to see the same limited play list on six different channels at nearly all the same bloody time. Can't we just have one channel that plays all the new stuff and one that plays all the old stuff? If not, send the whole bloody lot to Room 101 and have done with it. And definitely get rid of Kerrang as they've forgotten what good rock music is. Kerrang will, before long, go to the nearest corner and start crying if it's not careful. 

My next submission would be texting language which I find, well, unfathomable. And people that say LOL rather than laughing. That's just plain wrong. Or Stupid. Or both. You decide, send your answers on a Adidas hoodie. Lol really should stand for Look Out! Looney! However, I digress as usual. I can understand the use of texting and shortening words as each text message costs you money and can run into 2 or 3 texts if you use the Queen's English. However, there is no excuse when you are typing your status in Facebook or e-mailing. E-mails are free and limitless. Fcebk stats updts wn typd lk tis iz jst stpid n svs abt 2 lttrs pr wrd (in English that reads Facebook status updates when typed like this are just stupid and saves about 2 letters per word) so it is not really worth it. And as I demonstrated to myself, it takes more effort to type in text speak or "chav" than it does to type the correct words. Moving on to the whole "LOL" (my personal favourite is a parody which does make me laugh courtesy of Bill Bailey - ROTFLMAOYSTT, which is Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off, Yet Still Typing This). What is the point of putting LOL on the end of a sentence that does not require it. I shall give you an example:

"I woke up, went to the local grocers and purchased some food. Chuckled to oneself en route to the local grocers." which would be translated into:

"Wk up wnt 2 shp n bt sm fod lol!"

Now the problem with both of those statements is neither task is chuckle-worthy or indeed LOL-worthy. Now, perhaps if you were to throw in a random slant, for example:

"I woke up with a flash of inspiration, thought I'd dash along on a flying cloud of sarcasm to the local grocers and purchase some ill-tempered mutated seabass in which to kill next doors pet earwig."

Only then with some off the wall, random spin thrown in is it even remotely chuckle worthy. And even then it is only for other people to decide whether it is funny. Not You!

Among one of my pet peeves and one I would certainly have great pleasure in banishing to Room 101 is lateness and waiting around. It drives me absolutely insane when people are late for something and can't keep time and I have to wait. It may be a minor thing but it is infuriating. Sadly, though, I am never likely to banish this particular peeve as I am married to Jayne Renowden. She was late at birth and has been late ever since. She who works on Mediterranean (whenever, so as long as it is after Siesta) and Cornish (dreckly my 'ansum) time combined.  To get ready takes her 5 to 10 working days. Bless. Anyway, this won't go into Room 101 so moving on.

Next on the hit list is the good old Toyota Prius. I have written so much about this car already, and with a restraining order from the CEO of Toyota, this means I will not say any more on the subject. But it is going in Room 101 - absolute end of.

Which neatly brings me onto Bono. How apt. And other celebrities that try to do good by getting mere mortals like you or I to dip into our pockets to Save The [Insert Trendy Charity Cause Here] rather than dipping into their pockets themselves. But mainly Bono because he's a loud mouthed, obnoxious twat. And If I can add Bob "Give Us Yer Feckin' Money" Geldof, Phil "Every other artist is crap and I'm a genius" Collins, the bloke from The Police - wotsisname - you know - String and finally Kanye "I can barely rap and really can't sing so I'll use Autotune" West. Please throw them all in Room 101.

Which again brings us onto something else - Autotune. The thing that disguises your voice and is also used to correct the pitch when you hit a bum note. I quite like it at times if it's deliberate. For example I do every now and then like to listen to the Electric Light Orchestra. Or to those not on the moon, ELO. Jeff Lynne made quite a fair amount of usage of a Vocoder as it was known. Deliberatley. What I can't stand is when acts use it live to cover up below-par vocals, which annoys the hell out of me. I'd rather hear a bum note or two than pitch perfect sounds just like the record vocal perfection.  That way it's live, and if I did want the pitch perfect sounds like the record vocal perfection, I'd save myself the money on  a concert ticket and just play the album. And also when rappers use it on every single song to cover up the fact that they can't sing. Get the hint mofos, stop singing, stop using Autotune and keep on rapping. But preferably to people other than me. At the expense of my ELO CDs, to Room 101 please.

N-Dubz. Need I say anymore?

Ignorant people. When I say hello to you, I expect at least a response back. If I hold the door open for you, a "thank you" would be nice.  If not, then I just hope the next person will just slam the door shut in your face. Preferably when it's monsoon season when you are carrying sixty eight carrier bags full of various commodities you've just purchased.

For now that will do. No doubt there will be Volume 2.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

useless blah blah celebrity blah blah joins blah blah blah Range Rover blah bla... WHAT??????

Right, so straight in at the deep end. Victoria Beckham (yes, two words I'd never EVER thought I'd type, write or even want to strain myself to speak) has been given a job at Range Rover. For an undisclosed sum (read she will earn more in a week than you or I will earn in two years no doubt) she has become a "Design Consultant".

Firstly, I would like to know what on God's Earth is she actually going to "consult". Damn, balls, I promised myself I wouldn't use quotation marks this time. Buggered that up already there! Anyhoo, the "woman" has decreed that she knows absolutely diddly squat about motor vehicles, and hasn't a clue as to where to start in her new given job role. Now, how she got the role in the first place is a totally uninteresting one. She was asked to drive the brand new Range Rover Evoque Sport Utility Off Road School Run I've Only Got One Kid But We Shall Take Them In This No Matter What Vehicle a few feet for its launch, but responded with the fact that she doesn't do such trivialities any more. So what have the mad bastards done? Because she won't drive the car a few feet, they've given someone with all the style and personality of a pencil sharpener the job of Design Consultant. So now she will drive the car a few feet.

I mean for what it's worth they could have got Elmer Fudd to move the bloody thing. Hell, I would have driven it on to the launch stage for nothing. Especially if it meant that Posh (my arse) Old Spice didn't get the job. However, if it were a Range Rover of old it would have needed a team of literally several people to push it on to the stage because the bunch of Brummies manufacturing it would probably have forgotten to connect something vital up and it wouldn't have started.

I'm just still a little bit in shock that someone so talentless has earned so much money for doing not a great deal - something which has been written into her new job at Range Rover no doubt - not a great deal. And it's not limited to Victoria Beckham either. There are so many "celebrities" (darn it) around now that I have absolutely no idea why they are indeed famous. True, some of them have tried singing, to not much avail. Some have even had a stab at acting. Again, not with particularly convincing results. Others are famous for no other reason than being, well, famous. It's that I despise. Well, actually the whole celebrity culture thing I'm no big fan of, but being famous with no talent whatsoever (yes, that means you Victoria Beckham) irritates me more than something that irritates me a great deal. 

So, what are we to expect from the next Range Rover? I can see the next phase of development now. A thumping V8 motor, excellent off road ability, unrivalled thirst for petrol, oh and purple silk seats with yellow embellishments and swarovski crystals in the display panel. But will it be limited to Range Rover's parent company Land Rover? Will Fiat take on Rod Hull and Emu to take the helm of Ferrari's engineering and development department? Although, news just in, I have been reliably informed Rod Hull and Emu are currently in charge of Royal Mail and is set to stay there for the haul. So, it looks like the job will go to the second choice Paris Hilton.

So, can we leave the car design to the, erm, proper car designers, and leave Victoria Beckham to do whatever it is she does. Can someone remind me what it is she does? Please? I'm struggling here....seriously, what does she do? And an open plea to management of modern companies - celebrity endorsements are worthless. As are hiring "celebrities" (bollocks, done it again) to do a job that they've really got no idea about. Yes, Land Rover, I'm talking to YOU!