Part 2 of my fantasy garage of cars that no one likes

Fiat Coupe 2.0 20v Turbo.

Launched in 1993, initially with Lancia Intergrale engines, later updated to sweet five cylinder 2.0 engines. 220bhp through the front wheels meant lots of torque steer, but when the turbo kicked in it would go all the way to 158mph. Why do I want one? It's the fastest I've ever driven a car, 150mph on a private road of course, and I love the styling - by Chris Bangle before he went all twattish at BMW. It was a hoot to drive too.

 Fiat-Abarth Strada 130TC

Everyone else in the 80's made their hot hatches with fuel injection. Not Fiat - two big burbling carbs and it was so focused on being a drivers car that you couldn't tilt the front seats forward to get passengers in the back. And it fell apart quickly and would never start. Perfect.

Fiat 131 Mirafiori Abarth


In fact, I'd even settle for one of the normal 131 Mirafioris, but the Abarth as pictured here went on to be a particularly successful rally car. It took the baton from the Lancia Stratos as the Fiat Group's secret weapon in rallying. I had a Matchbox toy in the Alitalia colour scheme (google it) and wanted a real one ever since. Sad but true.
 

Alfa Romeo GTV
 
I could wax lyrical about these. In fact I'm going to. I mean, just look at it. It's a delight. I'd have one purely for the way it looks. It drives wonderfully, it handles well, and either engine is a peach. When they're working. The V6 is pretty strong if maintained and is the best sounding V6 in the business. The Twin Spark is a gem of an engine but neglect it and it will self destruct very, very quickly. That's if the electrics have allowed it to get going in the first place. Ultimately owning a GTV is like being with the most beautiful woman in the world and finding she's brilliant at everything - cooking, washing, sex, the whole nine yards, but then finding she had a nasty habit of stabbing you in the head every night. But you still would...

Rover SD1

A badly-built British car with a front end ripped off the Ferrari Daytona? Yes please. Especially with the fantastic 3.5 litre V8 lump under the bonnet. Never actually driven or been in one, I've just always wanted an SD1 3500.

Ford Capri 280 Brooklands

Again, featured in The Professionals and driven by Bodie (played by Lewis Collins). Well, to be pedantic, the 3.0 V6 was featured in The Professionals. I would really like one of the last of the line 280 Brooklands - has the best engine, and looks absolutely brilliant.

Mini Clubman

No, not the monstrosity just launched by BMW, but the original Clubman. The supposed ugly Mini and unfairly called Mini Clubfoot. But I actually like these. I'm not bothered by all these Mini Cooper derivatives, just give me a basic Mini with a basic engine and it'll still be fun to drive.

Land Rover Series 3

Well, any beaten up Land Rover really. For pure simplicity really. An old tatty one will do quite nicely, so I can do what it's intended for, just like in the picture. For that purpose alone there's no point at all getting a decent one.

That's it for part two. These first two parts feature cars really that are not out of the reach most people. In fact most of them can be had for as little as few hundred quid. There will be a third and final volume of this to bore you to tears. This will feature my top 10 favourite motors from any age and any price bracket which need a place in this fantasy garage thing.

useless blah blah celebrity blah blah joins blah blah blah Range Rover blah bla... WHAT??????

Right, so straight in at the deep end. Victoria Beckham (yes, two words I'd never EVER thought I'd type, write or even want to strain myself to speak) has been given a job at Range Rover. For an undisclosed sum (read she will earn more in a week than you or I will earn in two years no doubt) she has become a "Design Consultant".

Firstly, I would like to know what on God's Earth is she actually going to "consult". Damn, balls, I promised myself I wouldn't use quotation marks this time. Buggered that up already there! Anyhoo, the "woman" has decreed that she knows absolutely diddly squat about motor vehicles, and hasn't a clue as to where to start in her new given job role. Now, how she got the role in the first place is a totally uninteresting one. She was asked to drive the brand new Range Rover Evoque Sport Utility Off Road School Run I've Only Got One Kid But We Shall Take Them In This No Matter What Vehicle a few feet for its launch, but responded with the fact that she doesn't do such trivialities any more. So what have the mad bastards done? Because she won't drive the car a few feet, they've given someone with all the style and personality of a pencil sharpener the job of Design Consultant. So now she will drive the car a few feet.

I mean for what it's worth they could have got Elmer Fudd to move the bloody thing. Hell, I would have driven it on to the launch stage for nothing. Especially if it meant that Posh (my arse) Old Spice didn't get the job. However, if it were a Range Rover of old it would have needed a team of literally several people to push it on to the stage because the bunch of Brummies manufacturing it would probably have forgotten to connect something vital up and it wouldn't have started.

I'm just still a little bit in shock that someone so talentless has earned so much money for doing not a great deal - something which has been written into her new job at Range Rover no doubt - not a great deal. And it's not limited to Victoria Beckham either. There are so many "celebrities" (darn it) around now that I have absolutely no idea why they are indeed famous. True, some of them have tried singing, to not much avail. Some have even had a stab at acting. Again, not with particularly convincing results. Others are famous for no other reason than being, well, famous. It's that I despise. Well, actually the whole celebrity culture thing I'm no big fan of, but being famous with no talent whatsoever (yes, that means you Victoria Beckham) irritates me more than something that irritates me a great deal. 

So, what are we to expect from the next Range Rover? I can see the next phase of development now. A thumping V8 motor, excellent off road ability, unrivalled thirst for petrol, oh and purple silk seats with yellow embellishments and swarovski crystals in the display panel. But will it be limited to Range Rover's parent company Land Rover? Will Fiat take on Rod Hull and Emu to take the helm of Ferrari's engineering and development department? Although, news just in, I have been reliably informed Rod Hull and Emu are currently in charge of Royal Mail and is set to stay there for the haul. So, it looks like the job will go to the second choice Paris Hilton.

So, can we leave the car design to the, erm, proper car designers, and leave Victoria Beckham to do whatever it is she does. Can someone remind me what it is she does? Please? I'm struggling here....seriously, what does she do? And an open plea to management of modern companies - celebrity endorsements are worthless. As are hiring "celebrities" (bollocks, done it again) to do a job that they've really got no idea about. Yes, Land Rover, I'm talking to YOU!